It was a beautiful, sunny morning as we lounged in bed, enjoying the fact that we were going to sleep in that day. I had been feeling some Braxton-Hicks in combination with a slight backache for about a week, and the day before, as I ran around town with the colorguard and met with friends for a delicious dinner of eggplant parmesan from Scalini’s, I had noticed a slight increase in the frequency with vague interest. I was 40 weeks and 2 days, so I knew the time was near but didn’t have any idea of when would be the day. And honestly, how are you supposed to prepare for something you have no idea about? Everyone always said you would know when the time came, but I found that advice really unhelpful (at the time). Labor was this big, mysterious, momentous occasion that all pregnant women think about as you get past the first trimester and 20 week milestones. You wonder about what yours will be like, if you’ll have lots of pain, if your water will break first, how long it will last, will you be hungry, will you throw up, will you beg for mercy as your body takes you on a rollercoaster… all questions that no one could answer until after it was all over.
Anyway, back to that beautiful morning. 🙂
As I went to the bathroom after waking up to the sun streaming in through the blinds, I noticed something different about certain colors on certain things that I had not seen before. I knew that seeing those types of bodily fluids meant nothing – it could be that labor was still days away – but this was the first tangible thing that made me suspect that today could be the day. I shared the news with M, who seemed rather nonchalant about the whole thing. We went about enjoying the morning snuggles with our cats and each other. However, it was during the morning snuggles around 8:30am that the first real contraction hit. I felt my lower back begin a slight ache, then my lower abdomen ached like a menstrual cramp, and finally my stomach hardened like a rock. I had noticed the tightening and slight backache before, but this was different. This was definitely more painful, and I could not ignore what I was feeling down below. The moment passed, and I had no idea how long I had felt the pain. I told M that something was happening, and as we were trying to figure out whether this was true labor, another one washed over me. The same progression of pain and tightening happened, and I started to really focus on it. We decided that we should see about timing them to determine how far apart they were and how long they were lasting. We then made the decision to go ahead and get out of bed to prepare for the day. I wasn’t feeling super hopeful, as I had read that the beginning of labor could last for days, so I didn’t feel the need to share with the family just yet.
As we rolled out of bed and began to get ready for the day, I felt a number of them. We weren’t so good about the timing in the beginning, so I don’t really remember the frequency and duration. All I remember is that these pains were pretty intense, and I noticed that no matter what I did, the pain was not going away. Previously, when I felt a practice contraction, I could take my mind off it by taking a deep breath, relaxing, walking, etc., and after a short period of time it would go away. Also, those were not clearly on a timetable. These were painfully different, and no matter what I did to take my mind off it, I could not. But still, I was in denial so I told M to let the family know that something was up but not to get too excited because it could be nothing.
We came downstairs and my sweet, sweet husband made french toast (which was freaking delicious) while I putzed around the kitchen/living room, grabbing onto the countertop or leaning against the wall and breathing through the contractions I was experiencing. The contraction pain start getting a little more intense, and while the frequency in the beginning had been somewhat unpredictable, things started settling out to about 6-7 minutes apart with a duration of between 40-70 seconds. I doused my french toast in maple syrup (too much syrup? Whatever, I’m pregnant!) and managed to clean the plate between contractions. I was in good spirits and starting to feel excited that this could finally be the start of labor!
After breakfast, I bounced around on the birthing ball for a while, which somewhat helped the pain, but I found that leaning over the ball on my hands and knees felt best. Being in a sitting position was extremely uncomfortable during contractions, and sitting became my nemesis as things progressed throughout the day. I pulled out my computer to distract myself and get some work done while we were in this period of early labor, but the sitting dilemma made that difficult in addition to the fact that things were slightly picking up in intensity and frequency. We both decided working on the computer was not helpful, so we sat and talked between contractions to keep me relaxed. During contractions, I found that swaying from side to side, leaning over the birthing ball, getting on my hands and knees, or leaning onto the wall were the best ways to cope. I also found that sometimes, breathing wasn’t helpful, and as things progressed, I definitely became very vocal to help me deal with what I was feeling. Our the course of the day, we played Sports Champions on the PS3, which was a great distraction, and we took pictures with the DSLR camera one of my colorguard parents let us borrow for the birth. I also made sure to give our kitties lots of love, seeing as they were about to be seconded by the impending arrival.
It was around 5pm when things had been going at 4-5 minute frequency for over two hours when we decided it was time to let my doctor know something was up. We gave her a call to report on the status of things and how I was feeling, and she indicated a suggestion of when it would be necessary to head to the hospital. During the call I had a contraction, so that was awkward while I breathed through the contraction with her on the phone. I was starting to feel a bit tired since I had technically been in labor starting at 8:30am that morning. M suggested I try to take a short nap to power up for what lay ahead. Settling into the soft bed felt marvelous and closing my eyes to let myself relax was splendid…. when I wasn’t having a contraction. When I was having a contraction, the fact that I was still was earth-shattering and in fact it was after about 40 minutes when I started making some serious noise through contractions that M came in to help calm me down.
Things got intense after my nap session, and there were a few contractions that I lost myself and cried during and/or after it was over. Some of my contractions were no joke, and the levity I had earlier in the day between them started to wane as I became more tired and things grew in pain. As the sun began settling below the horizon, I realized that I had been in labor for over 12 hours, and I wondered how long things would actually go. My husband was absolutely amazing throughout the labor at home. He brought me everything and anything I wanted to eat, which was great when I was still feeling hungry, and he made sure that I stayed hydrated throughout the day, providing me water after tough contractions and bringing me popsicles when I found a comfortable position. His counterpressure to my lower back and hips was helpful during certain points, and he gave generous back rubs, which made me feel human after some of those rather soul-crushing contractions. He worked tirelessly to keep my heating pads warm, as they were my one saving grace for the incredible ache I felt in my lower back during contractions. He let me drape my full pregnant body weight on him as I tried to melt into the pain during contractions. But most importantly, he stayed with me and gave me the strength I needed during the day to know that I could do this the way I wanted and intended.
The contractions got weird to time as the night continued to fall around us, and it was hard to know what our general trends were. We stayed at 4-5 minutes apart for a good few hours once the sun went down. I couldn’t decide when would be a good time to make the trip to the hospital, but I was started to feel really down and out because I was getting very tired. We both were starting to struggle, and the calm atmosphere we set up in the house was only increasing our tiredness. I knew there would be no way that I could fall asleep, seeing as my earlier nap failed so miserably. It was around midnight that we decided to make the trip to the hospital. Things weren’t desperate, and I wasn’t at the point where I couldn’t think straight between contractions, so we didn’t really know if it was a good time to head there or not. Whatever the case, the contractions were getting really tough to deal with because I was so tired, and I felt that getting to the hospital would help my morale because then we would know where we were. So we gathered all our things, got in the car, and left the house for the last time as a family of 2.
I have to say this… when you are in labor, riding in a car is literally the last thing you want to do. You are physically tied to a seated position, and for me, that was absolutely the worst position to be in. I had three contractions on the drive to the hospital, and each one was more difficult than the last. I feel bad, thinking back on it now, because my coping mechanism was to grab the “oh s$%^” handle and basically yell “oooh” in conjunction with my breathing – so poor M had his eardrums busted open every time I experienced a contraction. I was so grateful to see the hospital because I could finally stand up and MOVE to cope! However, we had to check in, so they grabbed a wheelchair and I was stuck yet again in the seated position for about ten minutes. At our hospital, you entered through the ER for Labor & Delivery, so there I was sitting in the ER, trying desperately not to yell “OOOH” and rocking like a weirdo in that wheelchair, while there was someone behind me hacking up their lung into their face mask. M kept turning around to check on me, and every time gave me an “I’m so sorry” expression while I suffered through seated contractions. FINALLY, after what felt like an eternity, we were officially checked in and we were taken to our delivery room. I glanced at the clock as we were brought into the room, and the time was somewhere around 1:30am.
In the delivery room, I changed into the scant hospital gown, and was forced to lay on the bed for my first cervical check ever. LET ME TELL YOU… those are no joke. There is an entire hand and arm up in there moving around to figure out the status of things, and it is an experience that I will only tolerate while in labor. The nurse told us we were at 5.5 centimeters (how AWESOME that I basically made it to 6 centimeters at home!), and then she strapped me to the contraction and baby heart rate monitors. I was not allowed to move from the bed for about 20 minutes while they got a baseline reading of everything, and that royally SUCKED. Being in a seated position was my nemesis during labor, and being in that bed was nothing more than sitting for longer than I ever wanted to sit. Every contraction was an “OOOH” yell, and I bobbed my head to try to allow myself some movement in order to cope… but that was definitely not effective. After 20 minutes of misery, they finally allowed me to be released from the clutches of the bed and cope using movement like I had been for 15+ hours prior.
Things at the hospital overnight are all kind of a blur thanks to being extremely exhausted and having random catnaps between contractions. I remember lots of delicious cranberry cocktail juice, focusing on M during the really tough contractions, trying to relax on the day bed/couch while on all fours looking out the window, and the LED candles we brought strewn everywhere to make it feel like home. They were able to get a telemetry unit for me so I could move around while being monitored, but for a good three hours they couldn’t get the thing to work right, so I was stuck in the bed for at least an hour and a half while they tried to get a good reading. I honestly think that time frame stuck in bed caused me to stall in labor, which made my doctor on edge later when we were at the end of the whole experience. I was checked maybe two or three times total overnight, and around 7am the nurse told me we were close at around 8-ish centimeters (I can’t remember exactly because I was pretty much delirious thanks to sleep deprivation). She called the doctor to let her know what was up and that it looked as though things would start happening soon. Additionally, due to things somewhat slowing down overnight, we agreed to have my water broken.
I will say things never picked up to the contraction every minute (transition stage as I had so lovingly read in my labor prep). The closest I ever really got was around every 3 minutes apart. I will say, though, the intensity DEFINITELY increased, and there were some near the end when we were waiting for me to get to 10 centimeters that I thought my body was going to split in half. The pain of those contractions is pretty indescribable, and I was definitely that woman in L&D that other laboring mamas must have been like “get that lady an epidural, STAT!!” Vocalizing and rocking became my coping mechanisms of choice, and on more than one occasion I dropped the F-bomb (well, more like yelled it) to make it through. Yet again, my dear sweet husband was an angel, helping me breathe and giving me a focus point through all of it. I know he was just as tired as I was, and he kept his energy up and moved with me. I have never loved someone so much as I love my husband after what he did for me that night.
My doctor came in around 10am to check on things and to break my water (I don’t really remember). She came back in later after breaking my water and declared that I was at 9.5 centimeters, but due to my stalled labor in the wee hours of the morning, immediately mentioned a c-section as a probable outcome. She gave me an hour to make it to 10 centimeters otherwise we’d go that route. That was super discouraging, especially after I had been awake over 24 hours laboring. But I did it — when she came back in later I was finally at 10 centimeters and she said I was ready for pushing. They forced me onto my back and stuck my legs in the stirrups to begin the pushing process. While I felt the urge to push, it wasn’t super strong, so the first couple contractions with pushes were unproductive. She did something down there and told me to push into that pain. I have to admit that pushing into what hurt was more difficult than I ever could have imagined. I don’t know how long I pushed on my back like that, but clearly things weren’t going as the doctor planned, so she dipped out to do something else while I continued pushing. She came back in some time later, checked the progress of the baby’s head, and declared that I had an hour because the baby’s head was not progressing as she would have wanted. The hospital had squat bars, so she said I could keep pushing up to my two hour time limit using the bar if I wanted. I said YES, so she left and the nurse called on someone to come put together the bar. That took a good 20 minutes, so I really only got to use the squat bar for about 40 minutes instead of the hour I was promised (I’m not bitter, really…). Pushing on the squat bar was INFINITELY better, and I definitely felt the baby drop further on each push. Also, as I started using the squat bar, I could feel my body begin to involuntarily push as a contraction happened… so I think even though I was at 10 centimeters when I started pushing, I wasn’t really ready for pushing yet.
I was utterly exhausted, feeling discouraged knowing that things weren’t going to the doctor’s liking, and my dreams of delivering my baby vaginally started drifting away. It was around 1:30pm the day after I started labor, and it was an effort to pull myself up onto the squat bar to push with each contraction. After the contraction was over, I’d fall back and turn my head to the contraction monitor, waiting to see when the numbers would start increasing again so I could pull myself up onto the bar for the next one. M would help me up to the bar with each contraction and was so so so encouraging through each push, helping me breathe and count down for each push. I continued until the doctor waltzed in at 1:40pm, not even a full hour after she promised to give me an hour. She made me lay back to check on baby’s progress, and baby was at +3 station (I think???), but she didn’t think the baby progressed far enough, so she said the words I was dreading… “we are going to have to do a c-section… I don’t think your baby can fit through your pelvis.”
To say that I was hopelessly crushed is a complete understatement. I fought to labor drug-free, and I had gotten all the way to the end fulfilling that goal. Here I was, so incredibly close to the finish line and being told that I wasn’t allowed to continue. I was so exhausted, delirious, you-name-it that she could have said “I’m going to cut off all your limbs” and I would have agreed. I was devastated and couldn’t help but cry as the squat bar was removed and random nurses/anesthesiologists came in to start giving me fluids to prep for surgery and tell me what horrible things they were going to insert into my spine. Meanwhile, I’m still dealing with involuntary pushing contractions, and so I would be yelling, breathing, and pushing while they were telling me all this. Prepping for the surgery was the hardest part of my entire labor experience because I wasn’t able to do what my body was telling me to do.
I was finally wheeled into the surgery room after getting my fluids, and the anesthesiologist with her team had me sit up on the table, slump over, and inject fluids into my back that felt super strange. Finally, the anesthesia was inserted and I was told to immediately lay down. It was difficult to roll my body down as I was feeling the contractions, but a numbness started washing over the bottom half of my body that I did not understand. The operating room was a flurry of activity around me, and there was some nurse near my head telling me what was going on and what she was going to do to make it better for me. They pulled my arms out from my side (I liken it to Jesus on the cross pose), and they clipped monitors and other stuff to me. Finally, they draped the blue sheet in front of my face, so all I saw was blue sheet and the back half of the room. I hear the surgery team talking to each other, and they start calling off items on their surgery checklist. They talked about feeling pressure but no pain, and they did tests to make sure that indeed I was numb from the stomach down. I could feel the first incision happening, and all of a sudden to my left, my husband appeared in scrubs with yellow hand coverings. I remember him grabbing my hand from underneath the cover they draped over my arms and looking into his eyes for comfort. I could only see his eyes so I looked into those babies basically the entire time.
The surgery was a surreal experience — you are awake while they remove things from your body — and because I received a spinal shot vs. an epidural, I could feel the pressure of things but not the pain. So I felt my organs being moved around. The surgery team also explained to me what they were doing as they were doing it, and I distinctly remember hearing my doctor tell me she was moving my muscles out of the way to get to the uterus. During the surgery, they ran through the surgery checklist again to verify that they still had all the tools in view. Finally, they reached the uterus and made the incision, and the team told me that it was going to feel like an elephant on my stomach and to start counting. They didn’t tell me how to count, so I just started at one and kept going up. Elephant on my stomach… I swear I thought they were pushing all the way to my spine. The pressure was enormous and I was so scared… I started yelling my counts (M tells me that 17 was the most out-of-control number).
All of a sudden the nurse by my face tells me that the baby is out, and I hear fluid noises and a piercing cry. They lifted the baby briefly over the sheet so I could see that she was finally out of me, and then they whisked her to the right side of the room to clean her off before handing her to my husband. During this time I assume the surgery team is removing my placenta, although I never found out for sure. I had a vague thought during my labor prep of seeing my placenta, but it never crossed my mind during the surgery. I just kept saying “baby” over and over again, and finally, they wrapped her and handed her over to my husband. The nurse by my head grabs my husband’s phone to take some photos of us as a family of 3 for the first time. I think after taking the photos the nurses asked my husband if he wanted to take her to the recovery room while I was stitched up and he gave them a resounding NO. He was so worried about me and wanted to be sure I had company while they put my midsection back together. While they were closing me back up, I smiled at my husband and we told our sweet baby her name.
The next period of time is so vague in my memory because I was beyond exhausted from labor, pushing, and the surgery. Once they finished, I was moved to a bed and rolled back into our delivery room. There, I held my child and looked into her eyes for the first time. I don’t think I will ever be able to fully explain the feeling I had looking at her looking at me. I spent ten months carrying this amazing little person inside of me, and all of a sudden there she was — living, breathing, and looking at me. I instantly fell in love and knew that I was changed forever, realizing that I would give my life at a moment’s notice for this person I had only just met. Holding my baby I was overwhelmed with love not only for her but for my incredible husband, who lifted me up and carried me through the darkest moments of the process of her birth.
In a few days, my baby will be one month of age. It is unbelievable to me that she is already one month old… in ways it feels like yesterday that I was pregnant, and in other ways it feels like labor was an eon ago. Having a baby is a life-changing experience, and although I wish I could have had the birth experience I hoped for, I wouldn’t change the experiences I had during labor and after the baby was born. My child is the most amazing thing I have ever made, and I will always remember how it felt to look at her for the first time. I love her with every fiber of my being, and I know deep in my heart that I always will.
I. R., born August 17th at 2:48pm. 7lbs, 10.4 ounces, 20.5 inches long
Tita In Motion 
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